


surrender

by moonbreeze



Category: K-pop, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Love Triangles, M/M, Pain, Pining, Slow Burn, from seungwoo's perspective, oblivious gays, or what do u call it, p101 era to present, seongwoo is struggling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 01:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbreeze/pseuds/moonbreeze
Summary: Seungwoo is in trouble.





	1. sleepless

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy ♡

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungwoo is having trouble sleeping, and Daniel just wants to help.

_We're not, no we're not friends, nor have we ever been._  
_We just try to keep those secrets in a lie,_  
_And if they find out, will it all go wrong?_  
_And Heaven knows, no one wants it to._

It was the day before the final episode of produce 101 was being broadcasted, live, to all of South Korea. The silence in the dorm was heavy, it laid like a thick layer of snow. They were all nervous. Seungwoo and Daniel laid in their room, across from each other, not really saying anything. Just treasuring the moments together. They had no idea if these would be their last, after all.

“You– you’ll still contact me when all of this is over, right hyung?” Daniel asked carefully. Like he was poking a sleeping bear. It broke Seungwoo’s heart, how small his voice sounded. He had gotten used to loud Daniel. Daniel who didn’t think before speaking, who laughed off his mistakes. This was a completely different person. He was curled up, taking up as little space as possible. 

“Don’t be silly Daniel-ah, of course i will.” 

“I just… sometimes i’m not sure where the fan service ends, and where we begin.”

Seungwoo’s heart broke a little more. Daniel always showed the world the happiest side of him. They rarely got to see the vulnerable side of him. Barely anyone did, actually. Just Seungwoo. 

He bit the inside of his cheeks, and tried to calm him heart, which was twisting and turning behind his ribs. He knew Daniel well, he was affectionate, mostly physically. He wasn’t always the best with words. He preferred to show his care for other people with touches. He felt more reassured by a hug, than a ‘you did well’. Seungwoo wasn’t like that, he didn’t crave touch like Daniel did. He didn’t mind it though, especially not when it was from Daniel. And he knew what Daniel needed right now was not words, it was touch. He needed to know that Seungwoo still cared for him off camera. Still wanted to hold him, when it wasn’t for screen-time. 

“Come here.” Seungwoo muttered.

Daniel’s eyes widened a little, but he slipped from his bed, and into Seungwoo’s. The older gently wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into his chest. He felt Daniel melt into his touch, pushing his face into his chest. They laid there in silence for a while. Only taking in each other’s presence.

“Hyung… you have to make it. I don’t want to do this without you. I– i don’t think i can.”

Seungwoo felt his shirt growing wet, as Daniel’s broad shoulders shook in his embrace. He didn’t say anything at first, only held him tighter. In response, Daniel took fistfuls of his shirt in his hand, holding on to him. Like he was gonna slip away from him. Seungwoo could not calm his heart this time.

“You won’t lose me.” He muttered, at last.

When Seungwoo woke up the next morning, Daniel had already gone. It made his chest feel tight, and uncomfortable.

⎼

Like so many other things Seungwoo and Daniel didn’t talk about, they didn’t speak of that night either. About what Daniel had said, what had happened. It was better left unspoken, they had deemed.

⎼

_And i could take the back road,_  
_But your eyes would lead me straight back home_  
_And if you know me like I know you_  
_You should love me, you should know._

Their first stage as Wanna One was starting in only minutes. Seungwoo felt nervousness creeping through his body, as they waited impatiently to greet their fans. Daniel walked up and stood beside him, and he felt a strange calm, wash through his body. 

Seungwoo didn’t know why his heart always ached a little, whenever Daniel fooled around on stage with the other boys. He didn’t like it either. He despised how his heart seemed to curl up in a tiny ball in his chest, like it was hiding. Seungwoo knew Daniel was an affectionate person, so why did it make him hurt like this? He was scared of the answer.

After saying goodbye, they all gathered backstage. Daniel was beside him again. He smiled at him, and suddenly his heart unfurled itself, until it felt like it took up all the space in his body. He smiled back.

⎼

_Friends just sleep in another bed,_  
_And friends don't treat me like you do._  
_Well I know that there's a limit to everything,_  
_But my friends won't love me like you._  
_No, my friends won't love me like you._

Time seemed to fly by, with their back to back schedules. Seungwoo and Daniel didn’t talk as much as they used to. Mostly just in front of cameras, mostly fan service touches. 

Seungwoo missed Daniel. It was silly, he knew that. Daniel was right there. Right in front of him, even sleeping in the same room as him, but he seemed so far away still. He missed their long talks, the stolen touches. Everything seemed so deliberate now. 

He was knocked out of his thoughts, as someone entered the room. 

“Oh… hey.” 

It was Daniel. His voice sounded odd, Seungwoo wasn’t sure what it was that sounded off, but it was something, that he knew.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah i was just– i didn’t think you would be here.”

Seungwoo’s heart clenched, “i can leave, if you want.” It sounded colder than he intended.

“I don’t think–” Daniel stumbled over his words, “i– i’m sorry hyung.”

Seungwoo realised only now, in the darkness of the dimly lit room, how Daniel looked. How small, and vulnerable the younger boy was in this moment. His broad shoulders were slumped, his hands held protectively against his chest. 

Seungwoo sat up in his bed, and asked gently “Daniel-ah, what’s wrong?” 

Daniel shook his head, as if saying it would make it to real. “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Seungwoo whispered, “i know you too well.”

He looked from Daniel, to the empty space on the bed next to him. Daniel let out a shaky breath, as he sat down on Seungwoo’s bed, in the other end. He seemed so scared, like Seungwoo would reject him, or push him away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not– not really.” Daniel said, his voice shaky, almost as frail as his body looked. 

He looked up at Seungwoo, their eyes meeting for the first time since he entered. 

“Can you just… can you just hold me?” 

Seungwoo could feel Daniel’s pain in his own bones, in his own heart. He didn’t know what was bothering him, but he wanted to take it all away. 

“Of course.”

Daniel laid down on his bed, and Seungwoo pulled the blanket over both of them. He wrapped his arms around Daniel’s waist, and he could feel how tense he was. He could feel him shaking in his arms. He couldn’t help but wondered what had made Daniel feel like this, so broken that he was asking Seungwoo to hold the pieces together. But he knew better than to push him, he would tell Seungwoo if wanted to.

Daniel found his hands under the blanket, holding them tightly.

They didn’t talk about that night either. 

⎼

_We're not friends, we could be anything._  
_If we try to keep those secrets safe._  
_No one will find out if it all went wrong._  
_They'll never know what we've been through._

Wanna one just had their first win, and they were celebrating backstage. Hugging each other, and some crying. Seungwoo could tell Minhyun was feeling mixed emotions, he was a little quieter, a little more distant.

Daniel was chatting with Woojin. 

“You okay?” Seungwoo asked, walking over to Minhyun who was sitting down on a chair a little away from them all. He looked up, slightly surprised. Like he wasn’t expecting anyone to notice. But Seungwoo tended to notice even the little things.

“Yeah i’m just...ah, it doesn’t matter.” He said, sighing. He ruffled his hair, as if trying to shake the feelings away.

“It’s okay, you know.” Seungwoo said, sitting down next to him. “To miss them.”

Minhyun looked over at him, and bit his lip. “I… i want to be happy but– i just wish i could experience this with them. Achieving this without them just… feels wrong somehow.”

He patted Minhyun’s thigh, and nodded, “i get it, Minhyun, i do. You don’t have to feel sorry for feeling that way.”

Minhyun sighed, and whispered a ‘thank you’ before resting his head against Seungwoo’s shoulder. Seungwoo looked down at him, and felt a little odd. He wasn’t sure why.

When he looked up, he saw Daniel staring at them from across the room. The other looked away as soon as he lifted his head.

⎼

_But then again, if we're not friends,_  
_Someone else might love you too._  
_And then again, if we're not friends,_  
_There'd be nothing I could do._

Seungwoo was sitting on the couch in the living room, surrounded by some of his members. Daniel was there, sitting between Jisung’s legs. Seungwoo’s chest felt tight. They were discussing what to eat for dinner, Jaehwan talking animatedly, trying to convince the others to have fried chicken today. Minhyun was complaining, as they had eaten that yesterday too. Suddenly, a thought entered Seungwoo’s head. He immediately pushed it away, but it lingered still… He looked back at Daniel, who had Jisung’s head resting on top of his. He was smiling. 

He turned to Jaehwan, “I’m with Minhyun on this one, Jaehwan. There is such a thing as too much chicken.”

Minhyun looked triumphantly at Jaehwan, “see? That’s a majority, we’re getting something else.”

Jaehwan fell back onto the couch, defeated. Minhyun turned to Seungwoo, a wide smile on his face. He was a handsome man, Seungwoo thought to himself.

“Thanks for having my back.” Minhyun said, still smiling.

Seungwoo put a hand on his thigh, and smiled back, “of course.”

Minhyun laughed, and continued talking, not specifically to Seungwoo, but to all of them. They had to decide on some food. 

Daniel was consumed in a conversation with Jisung. Seungwoo’s heart did something weird, inside his chest, something that hurt. He wanted to disappear into the couch.

“So we’re going out for meat today?” Minhyun said now, louder. Looking to finalize their decision. Most nodded in compliance. As they got up, and started getting ready, Seungwoo didn’t move.

“You coming?” Minhyun said, turning around to face Seungwoo.

“Not today, “ said Seungwoo, shaking his head, “i’m exhausted.”

He nodded, and turned to Daniel, who was still sitting on the floor, “what about you?”

Daniel looked over at Seungwoo, a somewhat sad look in his eyes. “I’m coming.”

Minhyun looked between the two boys, sighing a bit. Like he knew something they didn’t.

The other members streamed out the apartment, leaving Seungwoo in silence. He had never minded silence, but this one left him alone with thoughts he didn’t like.

He went to his room, and laid on his bed. He looked over to where Daniel usually laid. When he couldn’t sleep, which was more often these days, he would look at him. His face brought him a sense of calm. He closed his eyes now, imagining his face in front of him. Recalling the warmth, of holding him in his arms. He drifted of into sleep, and stayed there, until he suddenly felt a body, weighing down the bed next to him. He stayed quiet, as recognized the woody, caramel scent, the person carried with them.

“Hyung is sleeping now, right?” Daniel whispered. “I wanted to tell you something, but i can’t, if you’ll respond. But now hyung is sleeping.”

Seungwoo’s heart was beating so fast, he thought it would pop out of his chest.

“I’m worried about you. I know that you’re not sleeping well, and i know that you would deny it, if i asked you about it. That’s just how you are… you never want people to worry about you. I wish you would let me worry about you, just once in awhile.” 

Seungwoo laid perfectly still, although every part of his body, was aching to hold Daniel. Just hold him. In his head, he was begging Daniel to get out of his bed. But his heart, his heart never wanted him to leave.

Daniel got up a few moments later.

⎼

Seungwoo didn’t mention the moment to Daniel, and Daniel didn’t bring up his sleeping habits until weeks later. They were sitting close together in the car, on their way to a schedule.

“How have you been sleeping lately, hyung?” Daniel asked, cautiously, like stepping carefully over a tripwire. The wire being Seungwoo, and his pride that was too big for his own good.

“Okay, i guess.” Seungwoo said, sighing. “It comes and goes, you know?”

Daniel nodded, “yeah… i just– tell me if you need anything, okay?”

“I will. Thank you for worrying about me.”

Seungwoo swore he saw something flicker in Daniel’s eyes, something like the tight feeling in his own chest, when Daniel pressed his thigh against his.

⎼

That night, like so many others, Seungwoo couldn’t sleep. He laid awake for hours, his mind wandering of to far away places. He was pretty sure Daniel wasn’t sleeping either. His breathing was still a bit irregular, a bit faster than when he was asleep. Lying awake for so many nights, Seungwoo had come to know the difference. It was confirmed, when a quiet voice spoke into the dark.

“Hyung, are you awake?”

“Yeah.” Seungwoo spoke into the dark. He could barely make out Daniel’s shape on the other side of the room.

“Do you… do you want me to sleep next to you?” Daniel asked quietly.

If Seungwoo wasn’t awake before, he sure as hell was now. “That would be nice,” he responded, “sleeping does seem to come easier if you’re next to me.”

He didn’t mean to say the last part out loud. But Daniel slipped into bed next to him, and wrapped his arms around him, and suddenly he didn’t care anymore.

“Is this okay?” Daniel mumbled, face pressed into Seungwoo’s back. He was bigger than him, taller, and broader. It felt nice somehow, being held like this. It felt warm, safe. 

“Yes,” Seungwoo whispered, “it’s good.”

⎼

Daniel slept in Seungwoo’s bed often now. Sometimes he held Daniel, sometimes he was held. Both were good, but Seungwoo thought he quite liked being held by Daniel. His smaller frame seemed to fit right into his larger one. They didn’t really talk about it, the members didn’t say anything either. Well almost every member, Minhyun had mentioned it. He had asked Seungwoo, if he was really okay, and something else too. Not directly, but Seungwoo could tell there was something he wanted to ask him, or more likely, to confront him about. He knew it was about Daniel too, but Seungwoo had decided it was probably best if he didn’t think too much about it.

⎼

_And I know that there's a limit to everything._  
_But my friends won't love me like you._  
_No, my friends won't love me like you do._  
_Oh, my friends will never love me like you._

Seungwoo was alone tonight. Daniel was away, doing some schedule of his. He felt quite empty, without his warm soft shape by his side. He felt so foolish for thinking like that, he didn’t like depending on other people too much. But Daniel, was Daniel, and somehow he couldn’t help it. He knew if he was there right now, he would already be asleep. 

His phone vibrated twice on his bedside table, a text. He rolled over and looked at his phone. It was from Daniel.

“Hyung… i can’t sleep? Why can’t i sleep? I wish you were here…” followed by another text, “ah, i’m sorry… it’s late… i shouldn’t even be thinking like this, should i?”

Seungwoo’s heart felt tight, and felt so big, at the same time. Full of love, full of pain. Daniel was thinking of him too, but he felt bad for doing so. He felt it was wrong. He thought a bit about what to answer, before he replied. He just wanted to hold Daniel, and tell him it was alright, that it was okay to feel that way. But how could he tell him it was okay, when he was burying his own feelings alive as he spoke?


	2. orbit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungwoo is falling, and he doesn't know how to stop.
> 
> song in chapter; island by svrcina.

  
_almost so perfect_  
_the way that i want you_  
_i'm almost deserving_  


Wanna one was currently preparing for their first comeback, practicing the choreography in the packed room. Seungwoo had caught on to the dance quickly, and was leading the practice with Woojin. He studied the others carefully in the mirror.

He caught Daniel staring at him, as he danced. They made eye contact briefly, before Daniel looked away. Seungwoo could tell he was struggling with part of the choreography, but he decided to keep quiet about it for now. 

Instead he focused on Jaehwan, who was fooling around in the corner, not putting much thought into the dance.

“Yah, Jaehwan! Be serious, okay? We’re all tired.” He called.

Jaehwan looked at him, and sighed, “yes hyung, sorry.”

They continued practicing till long into the night, the members rapidly growing tired. It wasn’t long before they started filing out of the room, going back to the dorm to rest. Seungwoo was packing his things, when he noticed Daniel staring at himself in the mirror, a harsh look in his eyes. He looked frustrated. It hurt Seungwoo a little.

“Are you okay, Daniel-ah?” Seungwoo asked gently, moving towards him.

Daniel looked down, “i can’t get this move right.” he muttered

Seungwoo put a hand on his shoulder, “do you want me to help you?”

The other boy looked up at him, biting his lip, “don’t you want to go back to the dorm and rest? You need it more than anyone.”

“I’ll be fine. Plus, i won’t be able to rest knowing you’re here all alone.”

Daniel smiled weakly, and nodded “it’s the ball dance move. I can’t get the angles right.”

Seungwoo looked into the mirror, at Daniel, as he guided him through the movements. After a while he sat down, and played the music for him as he danced.

It was entrancing, watching Daniel dance. The way he moved his body so gracefully. Seungwoo felt sure he would never grow tired of it, he could watch him dance forever. He let his mind wander, let himself imagine briefly. But he pushed those thoughts away quickly.

He smiled as Daniel finally started to look satisfied with the move. Not long after that thought, Daniel slid down the mirror next to Seungwoo. He looked at his hands, flexing his fingers.

“What’s on your mind?” Seungwoo whispered.

Daniel looked over at him, a somewhat sad look in his eyes. “I just– ah, i don’t want to burden you, hyung.”

Seungwoo took Daniel’s hand in his, “you’re not a burden.”

Daniel looked down at their hands, and Seungwoo’s heart was beating so fast, he thought he would die.

 

“I’m just worried, i… i’m the center, right? I got number one on produce so shouldn’t i be better? Shouldn’t i sing better, rap better, dance better? Shouldn’t i be able to do everything well? But there’s better singers, rappers, and dancers than me in our group. I’m not the best at anything. I don’t even know why i got first. I don’t feel like i deserve it. I feel so pressured to do well, i feel like the weight will kill me.”

He wasn’t looking at Seungwoo anymore, he was looking at something far away, outside the practice room. Seungwoo was at loss for words. How could someone as incredible as Daniel, doubt himself? What could he possibly say that would reassure him? His mind was racing to find the right words to say.

“Daniel…” he whispered, looking at him so tenderly, Daniel could feel it without even looking. “You do deserve to be first. I’m not sure what to say, to make you feel better but… i know everyone in the team, including me, will always be there for you. I couldn’t imagine having anyone else be center.”

The other boy looked over at him now, and looked down at their hands. His knees were tucked up his chin, as he rested his head on Seungwoo’s shoulder. Seungwoo could feel his warm breaths against his neck, as he suppressed a shiver. How could Daniel make him feel like this? Make him melt into the place where he sat completely, he felt so weak at his touch.

“Thank you, hyung.” he whispered.

Seungwoo didn’t reply, he just squeezed his hand. He looked down at Daniel’s face, his features were all so soft. His eyes were closed, as he took deep breaths.

“We should get back to them dorm.” Seungwoo mumbled, although he didn’t want to go back– he wanted to stay in this moment. He didn’t want to let go off Daniel’s hand, or the tender silence between them. But the world, reality, was screaming at him inside his head, that he had to let go.

“I know.” Daniel replied. Neither made any move to get up.

⎼

  
_when i get close to you_  
_i disappear, lost in the waves_  
_i go under_  


The days blurred together, as they prepared for the comeback. Seungwoo still wasn’t sleeping well, and Daniel still held him when he couldn’t. He was laying alone in their room now, resting his mind while the others played video games. He needed time alone sometimes, to gather his thoughts. 

And Seungwoo had been thinking a lot lately, about things he was so terrified off. Every time Daniel and him had slept next to each other seemed to pass him by in flashes, as he took heavy breaths to calm his heart. To try and dull the pain, that was rooting itself somewhere deep inside it. He hated himself for letting things get to this point, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. Not when it came to Daniel. 

He had to control it better, he thought. Had to keep his heart on a tight leash. Although somewhere deep in his mind, he knew it wasn’t that easy. But he let himself imagine it could be. 

⎼

  
_i am an island_  
_and you are the ocean_  


Wanna one spent a surprising amount of time cars. Driving from schedule to schedule, driving back to the dorm, always driving. 

Seungwoo had always liked driving, it was good for clearing your head. Now he liked driving, because sometimes Daniel would sit next to him, sometimes he would fall asleep on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest a hand on his knee. He would look at him, and he would smile. 

Seungwoo treasured those quiet stolen moments, the ones that no one took notice of. The ones that were truly, just for them. Just because Daniel wanted to. Not because the pd of some show had said it would be good for views, or a manager had told them fans would love it. Just for them. 

Right now him and Daniel were sitting next to each other, on their way to the album recording, with a few other members. The rest were in another care.

“How’s it going with your sleep?” Minhyun, who was sitting on Seungwoo’s other side asked.

Seungwoo felt Daniel’s thigh flex against his own. 

“It’s better,” he replied glancing quickly at Daniel, before looking out the window. “I’m not having as much trouble falling asleep now.”

Minhyun looked at the both of them, “that’s good.” 

Seungwoo nodded, “it is.”

⎼

  
_we're so close we're touching_  
_completely surrounded_  
_but i cannot have you_  
_the way that i want to_  


One day, Seungwoo woke up in the middle of the night. Daniel was in his own bed, sleeping. He looked at the other boy’s shoulders, moving as he breathed calmly. He sighed, and got up, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Quietly, he slipped out the room, into the living room. It was quiet, as everyone was asleep. He walked to the kitchen, not having much to do, but eat.

Leaning against the counter, chewing on a piece of bread, he looked out the window. The moon hung silently in the sky, a light breeze rustling the trees. It was a peaceful night. He slid down the counter, sitting on the floor. He didn’t know why he had come to hate sleeping alone so much. Didn’t really want to think about it. But having Daniel right across the room, so close to him, without being able to touch him, it made his heart hurt. 

He was pulled from his train of thought as someone entered the kitchen.

“Hyung?” Seungwoo looked up, and saw Daniel’s broad form looking down on him. “Why are you out here?”

“I woke up. Couldn’t fall asleep again”

Daniel furrowed his brow, and scratched the back of his neck, “any idea why you woke up?”

Seungwoo sighed, and looked back out the window. “No… just, woke up.” He looked back at Daniel, “why are you up? I thought you were sleeping.”

“I was but… ah, you won’t make fun of me, right?”

“Of course not.” He said, patting the space on the floor next to him. An open invitation that Daniel took.

“I had a bad dream… i don’t really remember what it was but…” his voice drifted off, as he shifted a bit uncomfortably.

“Daniel-ah, you can tell me.” Seungwoo said quietly.

“I dreamt that you were angry with me. I don’t– i don’t remember why, but you couldn’t even look at me. And then i woke up, and you weren’t in your bed…”

“I’m not mad at you.” Seungwoo whispered, taking Daniel’s hand. He wasn’t sure what else to say, what to do. He could feel the pain in Daniel’s voice, how afraid he was. He wanted to take it all away.

“I know i just– i don’t want to lose you.” Daniel said carefully, “i don’t want to– to not talk to you. I don’t want you to not even be able to look at me.”

Seungwoo felt something creep from his heart, that feeling he had tried so hard to bury. He could feel it in his bones. In his fingertips, as Daniel’s shaky one held his.

“There’s nothing you could ever do, or tell me, that would make me think any less of you. You don’t have to worry Daniel. I’ll always be here.”

“Do you promise?” Daniel whispered, looking at him now. His eyes spoke so many words, that Seungwoo couldn’t read. Or maybe he was just too afraid of what they meant.

 

⎼

  
_but i am an island_  
_and you are the ocean_  
_no i cannot have you_  
_i cannot have you_  
_without drowning_  


The comeback preparations were over quickly, and soon they were finishing another showcase. They sat exhausted in the van back to the dorm now, exhausted but happy. Seongwoo was sitting in the back, Minhyun on one side, and Woojin on the other. 

Daniel was on a seat in front of him. His loud laugh echoed in the van, as he grinned at Jisung who was next to him. Seungwoo didn’t hear what either of them were saying, but he smiled anyways. 

Sometimes he felt like only a small moon, in Daniel’s orbit. But he didn’t mind. He could learn to be happy, with just looking at Daniel. Just admiring him from afar. Because if he was a moon, then Daniel was a bright burning star, and he both knew that it would hurt him to get close, but god, did he want to burn.

He shoved the thought aside as quickly as it came. What did he even mean? He wasn’t sure himself, and he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer, if it existed. Instead he moved his gaze to the world passing by outside. He could feel Minhyun’s thoughtful gaze on him.

“Something on your mind?” Seungwoo asked.

“No,” He knew Minhyun was lying, “just admiring the view.”

Seungwoo laughed at that, looking at his friend, “i’ll take that as a ‘i don’t want to talk about it’”

Minhyun just grinned back.

He and Seungwoo had been good friends since produce. Being the same age, they had grown close fast. And Seungwoo liked him, he was good company. 

Later, he was standing in the hall, taking off his coat, while chatting with Minhyun. Daniel was standing in the living room, and could feel his gaze on him. When he met Seungwoo’s eyes, something pulled at his heart violently. The silence between them suddenly hung heavy. A few seconds later, he disappeared into their room. 

Even later, Seungwoo entered the room as quietly as he could. He didn’t want to wake up Daniel. Didn’t want to face him right now. His face when he was looking at him and Minhyun was still stuck in his mind. Why did he have to look at him like that? 

He sat down on his bed, and looked at over at Daniel. He had his back turned to him. Seungwoo put his head in hands, breathing in deeply. He hated how Daniel could make his mood change, just like that, just with one action. However silly he deemed himself to be for thinking like this, he just wanted to crawl into the bed next to Daniel. Wanted to wrap his arms around him, like he had so many times before. But that night, he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna try and have a song with each chapter, we'll see how that goes. 
> 
> comments and feedback are always much appreciated♡


	3. helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> under the table by banks.

_it already started_   
_i tried to stop it but i already know_   
_you are something i should do without_   
_but i won't_

A few weeks later, wanna one all went out to eat together, a sort of company dinner.

Daniel sat far away from Seongwoo, but he felt his gaze on him often. The talk between the members flowed as always, no one taken much notice of the silence between the two. And if they did, they didn’t say anything.

It had been different, since that day. Daniel had suddenly started pushing Seongwoo away, and he wasn’t sure why. He wanted to fix it, wanted things to go back to how they were before. 

“Kids, lets do a toast!” Jisung declared, lifting his glass in over the table.

The other’s joined him, and they smiled widely, as they clinked their glasses together. 

“To wanna one!” Jaehwan said, and the members echoed him. 

They smiled again, and laughed, and it was a happy moment. But Seongwoo could still feel that bit of him that was worrying. As they continued their dinner, he tried his best to push the worry away, but it was rooted too strongly. 

He barely talked at all during the dinner, he just observed. He grinned at their jokes, he smiled at all the right places. It worked fine, just sitting quietly, until Minhyun, who was sitting next to him, and was about to say something to him, hand on his shoulder, when Daniel abruptly got up.

“I need some fresh air.”

Seongwoo didn’t think before he stood up, or blurted out an ‘I’ll join you’.

Daniel stared at him, but didn’t object. He just walked out quietly, not waiting for him. Seongwoo followed him quickly, leaving the members to continue their conversation.

He wasn’t sure what met him colder, the winter air, or the look in Daniel’s eyes. Neither of them said anything for a while. They just stood, taking in each other’s presence, and the cool winter night. 

It took a while before Seongwoo gathered enough courage to speak.

“Are you angry with me?” Seongwoo asked. He could feel it, feel that something was off. He knew when it had happened, or at least he thought he did, but he didn’t want to say it. That would make it all too real, he thought.

But Daniel shook his head defiantly, “no.”

He furrowed his brows, “why are you lying to me, Daniel-ah? You’ve been pushing me away. Did you think i wouldn’t notice?”

The other looked away. There was silence for a while, as they stood under the already dark night sky. The silence seemed to stretch as far as the stars did, before Daniel spoke again.

“I’m- i’m angry with myself, i think, not you.” He looked back at him, thoughtfully. 

Seongwoo could tell he was thinking about what to say next. The Daniel people saw on camera, didn’t always capture how thoughtful he could be, how careful he was sometimes. He was silly, and childish at times, but he thought so much, that Seongwoo almost wished he would think less.

“I didn’t mean to push you away. I didn’t… didn’t want to, but it just happened.” he sounded lost, “I don’t even know why i’m angry, hyung. I don’t know.” 

He laughed a little at his words, like they were stupid, and that just made Seongwoo’s heart hurt more. He looked at Daniel and saw his own frustrations, his own doubts, mirrored. He didn’t have any words to say, nothing that felt like they would be enough.

So he didn’t speak, he didn’t say a word as he pulled Daniel into his chest. He just wrapped his arms around him, and held him. He held him as he shook in his arms, as he hugged back so tightly, he could barely breathe.

When they got home, Daniel and Seongwoo shared a bed again, for the first time in weeks.

⎼

_i'm under the table_   
_just keep wishing i'll come out but i don't_   
_you are something i should do without_   
_but i won't_

It was saturday, and Seongwoo was alone. He’s laying on the couch, miserably, not having moved an inch for a long time. When Minhyun walked in, he looked at him, and stated that they’re going to get dinner. He just followed along.

Seongwoo’s heart had felt so heavy the past few days. The conversation he and Daniel had that night was terribly vague, and left him with so many questions. Questions he didn’t want answers for. Or at least, he didn’t think he was quite ready for the answers yet.

The meal is good, and Minhyun insisted on paying, despite Seongwoo’s protests. After that, they got drinks. 

Slightly drunk now, Seongwoo has a sudden urge to spill his heart. All the words he had kept locked up, threatening to come out. And they do, and he regretted the second he opened his mouth, but Minhyun just smiles, and nods. He says he had suspected it for a while, he promises it won’t change anything between them.

“Does Daniel know?” Minhyun suddenly asks. 

Seongwoo’s eyes widen, and his heart palpitates, and he felt like he was going to die because god, he was so terrified of Daniel knowing. He was so scared of him looking at him, like he was weird, of Daniel being disgusted by him. 

He shook his head, “no– at least i don’t think so,” and looked away from him. 

“I don’t think he would care.” Minhyun stated, looking seriously at him. “I don’t think any of the members would care, actually. Especially Daniel.”

Seongwoo looked at him with furrowed brows, “what do you mean?”

Minhyun laughed, and shook his head, “nothing, just forget it.”

Seongwoo bit the insides of his cheeks, and nodded. He wasn’t sure he even wanted the answer, to what Minhyun meant, although he thought he knows. But they were both a little drunk, and Seongwoo convinced himself, it really had meant nothing.

_please tell me this could be easy_   
_i'm tired of waiting for permission to love_   


When they got home, and Seongwoo went into his room, Daniel was already in his bed.

“Daniel-ah?” he says carefully, half expecting him to be asleep, half hoping he isn’t.

“Hyung? Ah, you’re home,” he sat up in his bed, and looked up at Seongwoo. His hair was messy, he was barefaced, and he was so beautiful.

“Is that- is that my shirt?” Seongwoo asked, suddenly recognizing the familiar pattern of the shirt Daniel was wearing.

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, i must have grabbed it by mistake sorry, i can change if you want to?” He was speaking so fast, and Seongwoo could feel the nervousness in his voice.  
“No it’s fine–” Seongwoo said, smiling, “it looks better on you anyways.”

And Daniel smiled back up at him, and then looked over at Seongwoo’s bed, “do you– do you need me to sleep with you tonight?”

Seongwoo doesn’t really need it, he thinks, the alcohol would help him sleep. But he wanted to, he wanted to hold Daniel. So he nodded, and Daniel climbed into his bed, and Seongwoo held him. 

And he prayed, he prayed that things would somehow work out, that a solution would come to him in his sleep.

⎼

_i'm already falling_   
_i couldn't help it didn't think of the risks_   
_i got a problem, problem when i look in your eyes_   


They’ve been practicing for what seemed like an eternity, when the choreographer called it a day. They were preparing for the mama stage, for the intro part. Daniel was supposed to do a solo dance, for the intro, showcasing his modern dance. He was so happy when he was told, Seongwoo remembers the smile on his face, how he couldn’t stop talking about it. As Seongwoo was packing his things, Daniel sat down on the floor next to him.

“I want to stay and practice for a while, would you– do you want to stay with me, hyung? I don’t like being alone here…” his voice drifted off, and he looked slightly embarrassed by his own question. 

Seongwoo just smiled, and nodded reassuringly, “i would love to.”

He stepped away from his things, and sat down on the floor in front of the mirror instead. Daniel got up, and moved to the center of the room, going down on his knees for the starting position, and nodded towards the speakers,

“Can you do the music?”

Seongwoo hummed in response as he played the song.

There was something so entrancing about Daniel. Something like gravity, that always managed to pull Seongwoo towards him. He could never stay away for long, no matter how hard he tried. When they danced, he just wanted to look at Daniel, how he moved. On stage, during interviews, he can’t help himself, when Daniel speaks. He stares, and he knows he does. Right now he was staring too, as he moved gracefully across the floor in front of him. 

His mind started to wander, as if hypnotized by Daniel, and it went places he wasn’t sure he liked. He ached, he ached to hold Daniel, and for him to know exactly what it meant. The fanservice they do, it makes his bones hurt, it burns him, because it’s not real. Because he doesn’t know, what Daniel thinks. And he becomes so unsure, so terribly uncertain of everything. Sometimes he thinks he might think of him, the way he thinks of Daniel, but he doesn’t know for sure, and that makes him afraid. So terrified of everything. He wished it could all go away somehow, that he didn’t feel this way, however it was that he felt. He still didn’t know for sure. But he was sure he didn’t want to live in a world where he doesn’t know Daniel.

_you're mine and you know it_   
_i'd still do it even if we were cursed_   
_won't you be my problem_   
_it's okay with me if it hurts_

“How does it look?”

Daniel’s knocked Seongwoo’s train of thought of it’s trails, and he looked up to meet his eyes.

“Beautiful–” he said, sighing, “you look beautiful.”

Daniel broke into a smile, as he held the eye contact with him, “beautiful? You think i’m beautiful, hyung?”

He laughed, “i have eyes, Daniel-ah. Of course i do.”

His face flushed, as he looked down, not able to hold the eye contact with Seongwoo.

“What is it?” Seongwoo said, a grin still on his face as he looked at the younger boy, looking very embarrassed in front of him. 

“I thought you would say no…” his voice trailed off again.

“Why would i? There’s no need to lie,” Seongwoo got up now, standing closer to Daniel. “I honestly thought i made it pretty obvious.”

Daniel laughed, looking up at him now. “Yeah but… you’ve never really, said it, i guess. I thought you would make it into a joke or something.”

“I think you’re beautiful, Daniel. I do.”

The other boy looked at him, with a look he couldn’t quite decode. The tension grew thicker between them, as they stood in silence. At some point, Daniel shook his head, and looked at the clock.

“It’s getting late, maybe we should get going.”

Seongwoo snapped out of it as well, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah we… we should.”

The fear that built in Seongwoo’s heart, as they headed home, was nothing like he’d ever felt before. Fear so intense, that it hurt, made him want to throw up, just to ease the pain. When they got in the car, he couldn’t help but sigh with relief, when Daniel sat next to him. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but he knew he was afraid of it. He was so scared he had crossed some invisible line, that they had drawn between them, but Daniel was the same. He acted the same. After a while in the car, he fell asleep, head on Seongwoo’s shoulder. He looked down, taking in his face. His lips looked soft, his skin gleaming from having practiced all day. 

There was something about Daniel, that made him feel so helpless. As he slept on his shoulder, he looked so vulnerable, this was one of the rare moments where he did. Daniel didn’t let his guard down easily, and Seongwoo couldn’t help but feel lucky, that he had been let past his walls. He was so beautiful, when he was like this, when he didn’t have to put on a face for anyone. He sighed, and rested his head against Daniel’s, closing his eyes. 

In his sleep, Daniel’s hand found Seongwoo’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit short but..u know..i'm trying to build the story up, doing my best.


	4. no turning back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lost without you by freya ridings.

  
_standing on the platform_  
_watching you go_  
_it's like no other pain_  
_i've ever known_

  
Sometimes Seongwoo felt like he carried the world on his shoulders. He felt like he could break, at one misstep. His heart, it was heavy with doubt, with fear. He was always holding back, trying to keep his feelings inside, and he feared he wouldn’t be able to do so forever. 

And in all honesty, Seongwoo didn’t want to hold it in. Not really. But he wasn’t sure what he was most afraid of, the idea of saying something, or the idea of never doing so. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to cross that line, because he knew there would be no turning back at that point.

Daniel was laying in the bed by his side. He was sleeping, breaths steady and calm, curled up next to him. He could hear his heartbeat, could feel his every breath. Seongwoo cautiously moved a hand up to his face, letting it hover above his cheek. He could feel the heat radiating off him. Daniel was a very warm person, he never seemed to feel cold. He moved his hand, and let himself run his fingers through the other boys hair. It was soft, although a bit dry, from being dyed so much. Seongwoo wished they would let him go back to his natural colour. 

His hand grazed Daniel’s cheek as he drew it back, and god, his skin was so soft. But it burned, like he was touching the sun’s surface. It was so much more intimate, when it was just them. When there were no cameras. Seongwoo held his hand against his chest, drawing soft breaths. How could Daniel do this to him? Make his heart twist and turn behind his ribs, make his skin burn, but bring him so much calm at the same time. It didn’t make any sense.

Daniel’s sound breaths warmed Seongwoo’s cheeks as he gazed at him, his mind racing. He wanted to know what Daniel was thinking, what went through his mind in the moments they shared. Wanted to know how he thought of him. He knew Daniel quite well, he knew the sound of his voice, the way his footsteps fell, but he never really knew what he was thinking. That mind of his seemed impossibly complicated, working in ways he could only dream of understanding. Seongwoo suddenly felt very small again, a small planet eternally stuck in Daniel’s orbit. Not that he minded though.

⎼

  
_to love someone so much_  
_to have no control_  
_you said I want to see the world_  
_and I said go_  


It was strange, how often Seongwoo and Daniel ended up in the practice room alone. It almost couldn’t be coincidental. Almost, Seongwoo thought.

And they were there again now, this time going over some new moves, so they could help the others tomorrow. They practiced till late into the night, the moon glowing quietly outside the window. When they were finished, they were both exhausted and sweaty. But Seongwoo thought to himself, that Daniel still looked pretty even like this.

“I feel like every muscle in my body has been overworked,” he sighed, as he slid down the mirror, hitting the floor with a thump.

Daniel laughed and sat down next to him, resting against the mirror. 

“Me too.”

A comfortable silence filled the room, as the two boys catched their breaths. He could feel the heat radiate off Daniel. Why was he always so damn warm?

“You know, i really like practicing with you hyung. You’re a good teacher.”

Seongwoo chuckled, putting a hand on the youngers knee, “you’re a good listener.”

Daniel looked down at his hand, and his mind seemed to drift far away, as Seongwoo’s heart clenched in his chest. Then he looked up at him, with a look in his eyes. One he couldn’t decode. 

And then suddenly, the world stopped, and the practice room crumbled around them, as Daniel pressed his lips against his own. Carefully, softly, like Seongwoo would fall apart if he pressed too hard. Seongwoo reacted instantly, his hand finding the back of the younger boy’s neck. Daniel tasted like strawberries.

Then Daniel pulled away, and whispered, “i’m sorry, hyung.” he couldn’t look at Seongwoo, couldn’t face him. He stood up, and started packing his things, going as fast as he could

“Daniel,” Seongwoo started, standing up too, and moving towards him.

“No please i– i can’t.” Daniel looked at him, and Seongwoo’s heart shattered, all the little pieces drifting through his body, so that every part of him hurt, and ached. 

Daniel turned around and headed for the door, Seongwoo following behind him. 

He grabbed his wrist, and looked at him with a look full of pleading, of begging.

“Please...” Seongwoo whispered. He wasn't sure what he was asking for, he couldn't find the words in that moment, all he felt was pain. Desperation.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” Daniel said, and the tears he had been holding finally fell from his eyes.

He left Seongwoo alone in the practice room, heart in pieces on the floor.

⎼

  
_i think I'm lost without you_  
_i just feel crushed without you_  
_i've been strong for so long_  
_that I never thought how much I needed you_  
_i think I'm lost without you_  


If Seongwoo thought the silence that had been him between him and Daniel after the Minhyun incident had been painful, this must have been hell. Daniel hadn’t spoken a word to him for weeks, not unless it was absolutely necessary. Everyone in the group had noticed, and Minhyun had asked about it, but Seongwoo didn’t dare speak about what happened in the practice room. It hurt to even think about it. 

Everytime he looked at Daniel, he was reminded of that look. That look of hopelessness, of giving up, of despair, that he had looked at him with, after they kissed. He didn’t know just a look could kill him like that. But he was weak, when it came to Daniel. He always had been.

They never sat next to each other in cars anymore. There were no stolen moments in dressing rooms, before going on stage, no stolen glances in the practice room mirror. Seongwoo felt a growing hole in his chest, like his heart was slowly being carved out, piece by piece. He was falling apart, and he no longer had Daniel to hold his pieces together.

⎼

  
_strangers rushing past_  
_just trying to get home_  
_but you were the only_  
_safehaven that I've known_  
_hits me at full speed_  
_feel like I can't breathe_  


They were all now in the waiting room, getting ready to shoot some show, which Seongwoo couldn’t for the life of him remember the name of. He didn’t really care either way. But he was nervous, he remembers that. It was their first official shooting since what had happened between him and Daniel. He felt anxiety in his very bones. Minhyun had noticed, had come over and asked if he was okay. Seongwoo nodded, and tried to shake it off, but Minhyun wasn’t buying it. 

“Seongwoo-ah, you know you can talk to me if you need to right? I’m here for you.” 

He nodded, and looked quickly around the room, to see if anyone would be able to over hear them. “Me and Daniel… we… something happened. And i don’t know how to fix it.”

Minhyun furrowed his brows, looking thoughtfully at him. “Like a fight?”

“No– no i don’t think so? I… i don’t even know, Minhyun-ah,” Seongwoo sighed.

He thought about the comments he had seen recently, about him and Daniel. Many fans had noticed the rift between them, and tons of theories and speculations had been made as to what had happened. They had only made it worse, though. He wished for nothing more than to be able to keep this to themselves, keep it between them, but that wasn’t an option for them. His heart hurt slightly, at the thought of how much easier this could have been, if they hadn’t been famous. If they had met somewhere else, in other surroundings. Seongwoo would give all this up, if it was for Daniel.

“Look, you and Daniel… i know it’s complicated between you two, and you don’t have to tell me everything, but i think you should just… talk to him. Talk to Daniel. Whatever’s going on between you, it’s affecting everyone. And it’s Daniel and you, for gods sake. You two are gonna work out. I know you are.”

Seongwoo let out a long breath, and closed his eyes. “You’re probably right, but i’m just– i’m scared, you know? I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I don’t want to push him into something if he’s not ready. I don’t want to lose him.”

“You won’t.” Minhyun said, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

He opened his eyes again, and suddenly felt a stare on him, from somewhere behind Minhyun. He looked around, and his eyes met Daniel’s.

That same pain shot through his body again, violently, like waves crashing against the cliffs. He thought he would have fallen, had Minhyun’s hand not been steadying him.

But the shared look was over quickly, as Daniel turned on his heel and left the room. Seongwoo didn’t dare follow him this time.

⎼

  
_and nobody knows_  
_this pain inside me_  
_my world is crumbling_  
_i should never have_  
_let you go_  


Seongwoo hated crying. It wasn’t some masculinity thing, he just didn’t like it. He didn’t like the headaches, the pain in his chest. And he hated people seeing him crying, he hated looking weak, but it was 3am, and he hadn’t slept properly for weeks, and it hurt, it hurt not having Daniel next to him, so he cried. As silently as he could, he let the tears slip down his face, holding his breath.

The tears stopped after a while, and Seongwoo was left with his thoughts. He couldn’t take emptiness in the room, from Daniel’s presence not being in the room, so he quietly got up, and went to the kitchen. 

  
_i think I'm lost without you_  
_i just feel crushed without you_  
_cause I've been strong for so long_  
_that I never thought how much I love you_

He stood leaning against the counter, facing the window, letting the moonlight kiss his skin. Seongwoo could feel how it sunk into it, settling inside him, and felt somewhat at peace, for the first time in a long while. He closed his eyes tightly, as tears slipped from them again. His hands clutching the counter so tightly, that his knuckles turned white. Breath stuck in his throat, he tried to calm himself, but the tears continued to fall, and he couldn’t stop himself from shaking. 

“Fuck, Daniel-ah, how do you manage to do this to me without even saying a word? Am i really that much of a fool for you?” He wiped his eyes harshly, before he spoke into the silence again. “I just want everything to go back to how it was, i want to have you by my side again…” his voice drifted off into the night, as he closed his eyes again, breathing slowly.

Then suddenly, something broke the silence surrounding him. He hadn’t heard the footsteps because of his crying, but he recognized the voice at once, the warm scent of wood and caramel. He knew exactly who was standing behind him, though he wasn’t sure how long he had been there.

“Hyung?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a while, but i wanted to get it right, and i wasn't quite sure how to go about it. it's also a little short, but i don't want this to be over too quick. sorry(not sorry) about the cliff hanger.


	5. but then again...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sweetheart, what have you done? by keaton henson.

_Sweetheart, what have you done to us?_  
_I turned my back and you turned to dust_  
_What have you done?_  


“Daniel-ah?”

Seongwoo’s heart was in his throat, all the air had left his lungs, and his legs felt so weak he was surprised he hadn’t fallen already. Daniel, he was speaking to him, he was looking at him for the first time in what felt like years. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel. That was all his mind was. And god how he wanted to run into his arms, and cry, and tell him he missed him, but he didn’t. Couldn’t. 

“What are you… why…” Daniel looked confused, scared, sad, Seongwoo couldn’t quite catch the emotions he held in his eyes, too many of them were swimming around in there. But he knew Daniel had heard him, had seen the tears still clinging to his skin. Daniel knew he was the reason for them too. He wondered if he cared.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Seongwoo said quietly. 

“Me neither.”

There was silence for a while, filled with tension, with unsaid words. But understanding, too. Somehow, they both didn’t feel the need to explain. Not yet anyways.

“Nightmare?” Seongwoo asked. He wasn’t sure what to say. Didn’t want to scare Daniel away again, while trying to bask in his presence. He was his sun after all. His turning point.

“Not this time,” Daniel whispered, “just you not being there.”

_And oh please, just come here, don't fight with me_  
_And I admit, think you may have broken it_  
_Will you admit?_  


Seongwoo blanked out on what to say completely now. Something in Daniel’s voice pulled at his heartstrings, made it beat faster than he would like to admit. He stayed quiet. He could tell Daniel was thinking.

“I know it’s my own fault, hyung… but i’ve missed you. I feel stupid, for many reasons, and i feel terrible more than anything. I’m sorry.”

He still couldn’t say anything, and his chest felt terribly tight and painful. He wish he could slip out the window and disappear. 

“You kissed me,” Seongwoo finally said, his voice small and tight, “and then you ran… and you didn’t talk to me for weeks, and i was miserable, but how come i don’t care? I don’t care at all, i’m just happy that you’re standing here in front of me. I’m just happy to be around you.”

Daniel looked back at him, eyes locked on him, while his mind seemed to be elsewhere. Maybe he wished he could disappear too.

“I know, hyung. I know.”

–

_And if all you wanted was songs for you_  
_Well here goes, after all you've put me through_  
_Here's one for you_  


Daniel shifted in his seat next to Seongwoo, trying to get the air from the window to hit his face. He smiled slightly while looking at him.

It was a bit odd, where they had settled since that night. Not quite the same as before, not so far from it. But somehow, he felt even further from him than when Daniel was purposely avoiding him. 

He didn’t feel as safe when he held him when he couldn’t sleep. Maybe he was just scared, scared Daniel would run again, that he would suddenly decide it was too much. If Seongwoo was too much. He didn’t like the doubt, or the fear that was growing in his heart, but there was little he could do to stop it.

Later, Seongwoo was drinking with Minhyun and the subject had somehow drifted to Daniel again. He knew why, knew Minhyun noticed the change in their friendship or… whatever it was. Seongwoo was afraid to call it anything but that. 

(But then again, friends don’t kiss each other, do they?)

“Did you guys talk?” Minhyun asked, his words slightly slurred, but his eyes locked on Seongwoo.

“I… kind off?” he replied, slumping back in his seat, looking up at the ceiling. 

“What do you mean ‘kind of’?” Minhyun said, slightly annoyed now. More at Daniel probably, than at him, Seongwoo thought. But he couldn’t find it in himself to blame Daniel for anything. Not when he was just as terrified as him

“I don’t know myself, Minhyun-ah. We talked, and then we– we made up. And now it’s… it’s something else. Different from before.”

Minhyun was well aware that Seongwoo wasn’t telling him everything, but he knew better than to push him for details. He thought he knew what had happened too, that he might not need whatever answer he would get at all. 

“You know Seongwoo… I wish you would put yourself first, sometimes. You do so much for other people, you know? You forget to take care of yourself. I know you well, Seongwoo-ah. I know this is killing you, and that you’re not telling me everything, and that you’re not happy. I get that whatever thing this is, with you and Daniel, is personal, but… i can tell that it’s killing you. It’s killing me, to see you like this too. You don’t have to tell me everything, but i wish you would at least tell Daniel, you know?” Minhyun said it all in one breath, like he had been holding it in for weeks, since all of this started. 

Seongwoo knew he was right, however much he hated to admit it. He wasn’t happy. Or, he was happy, but just… terribly unsure.

–

_And don't call me lover, it's not enough_  
_It's got to be tough, cynical stuff_  
_Follow my words to the end of our love_  


Daniel’s back was pressed against Seongwoo’s chest, his fingers intertwined with his. He was breathing steadily, fast asleep in his arms.

He knew that a few months ago, he would have been happier than ever, laying like this, but now it only hurt. Only brought him pain, more uncertainty. It was killing him. 

But he wasn’t sure if this hurt more, than when he and Daniel weren’t talking at all. 

Wasn’t sure if he preferred the certainty of no, or the pain of the hope in ‘almost’, and in ‘close’.

Because they were close, they were close to something, they were almost… in love, Seongwoo thought. The words made his gut turn, made his hands sweat. 

He pressed his face into Daniel, trying to breathe him in. Trying to calm the pain in his bones. He dug his nails into his skin, trying to get the pain out trying to feel something else than the relentless jabbing pain in his heart, and the aching of his bones.

“Hyung, are you alright?” 

Seongwoo hadn’t realised, to lost in his own thoughts, but Daniel had woken up. He had turned around in his arms, now laying face to face with him. 

“I–” Seongwoo’s breath hitched. He couldn’t really lie in this situation, not when their faces where this close. Daniel knew him too well. “No. I’m not.”

_Sweetheart, what have you done to our love?_  


“Did something happen?” 

Seongwoo chuckled to himself, realizing the irony in the situation. The person causing him pain, was lying in front of him, with genuine worry on his face. God must be laughing at him right now.

“I don’t know where to begin,” he sighed, resting his forehead against Daniel’s.

“Is it about me? About– about us?”

“It is.”

Daniel was quiet for a while, their breathing the only sound to be heard. Seongwoo’s mind was trying to find words, that would make Daniel understand how he felt, but he didn’t think any words like that existed.

“Tell me.”

Seongwoo sighed, and brushed some stray hairs out of Daniel’s face.

“It hurts, Daniel-ah. It hurts holding you and not knowing what it means to you. If it means the same to you as it does to me.”

“Oh…” 

“Yeah.”

There was silence for a while. Daniel’s soft breath caressing Seongwoo’s skin.

“Then what do i mean to you, hyung?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took. a while i'm sorry! i've been procrastinating...but thanks for waiting<3


	6. icarus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seongwoo is tired of running.

_mama take this badge from me_  
_i can't use it anymore_  
_it's getting dark, too dark to see_  
_feels like i'm knocking on heaven's door._  


It’s the coldest night of the year so far. Seongwoo feels the crisp winter air burning in his lungs. He bites the inside of his cheeks and pulls his hands further into his sleeves. He feels empty, and his heart hurts, and he knows why. He’s fully aware of why it hurts, why his soul is aching. He went to close to the sun, and he got burnt. Now he’s crashing into the ocean. The wings he so carefully built burning up. And who’s going to catch him this time?

“Seongwoo?” He snaps his head up and sees Minhyun looking at him, a worried look on his face, “it’s cold. You should come inside,” Minhyun says, his voice gentle, like Seongwoo would break did he raise it.

“I know i just… needed to think.”

Minhyun sits down next to him and puts a jacket over Seongwoo’s shuddering shoulders.

“What did he do?”

_knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door_  
_knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door_  
_knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door_  
_knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door_  


“It wasn’t just him… it was me too. What you said the other day–” Seongwoo looks at his friend. It felt like he was seeing him for the first time. His skin looked soft under the moonlight, his hair tousled and all over the place. His friend. His friend who had always been there for him, who had listened, who had held him when he cried, who always seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. His friend. His Minhyun. “I realised something.”

Minhyun looked back at him, and it seemed like he understood. That he knew was Seongwoo meant. He always did seem to understand.

“It took you awhile,” Minhyun chuckled, “i thought i was being pretty obvious.” 

“I’m sorry i didn’t notice, Minhyun-ah. You must have been hurting a lot.”

The other laughed again, shaking his head, “it’s okay, really. I just… didn’t want to interfere, i guess. I thought you guys would work it out. And it’s not like it would have changed anything, is it?” 

Seongwoo knew he was trying to play it off as no big deal, but he heard the hope in his voice with his last words. He felt the hope in his own heart. “Maybe it wouldn’t have. But it changed something now,” he whispered. It was true, Seongwoo thought. It probably wouldn’t have changed anything, had Minhyun told him earlier. He had been so blinded in Daniel’s light he couldn’t see anything else.

_mama put my guns in the ground_  
_i can't shoot them anymore_  
_that cold black cloud is coming around_  
_feels like i'm knocking on heaven's door_  


Minhyun raised an eyebrow at him, “it did?”

“It did. That’s why i’m out here–” he gestured broadly to the night sky, “thinking. Daniel he’s… he’s hurt me a lot. And i’ve felt so lost, running after him, chasing him while he doesn’t want to be catched. And i’m tired. My legs hurt from running, and my heart hurts from longing but you… you were always right there, weren’t you, Minhyun-ah? Waiting for me to realise how stupid i was. And i know now. I’m– i’m done running, Minhyun. I don’t want to run anymore.”

“Seongwoo…” 

“No i don’t– don’t say anything. Not yet. I want to do this right, i don’t… i don’t want to rush. No more running. And i don’t want you to feel like my second choice. You’re not. I’m just… i wanted you to know. That i know. And that i’m tired of running after someone who doesn’t know what he wants. We have a day off tomorrow, so let’s go somewhere, okay? Let’s go to Busan. I want to know more about you. If you want to tell me, i’ll listen. Is that– is that okay?”

“I’ve been waiting for months. I think i can take a little more.” 

Minhyun smiled at him, and Seongwoo smiled back, and for the first time in weeks his heart didn’t hurt.

Someone had caught him.

_feels like im knocking on heaven's door..._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plottwist?!?!?! i spent a really long time trying to figure were to go from the point i left off, and finally i found something that felt right but...hmm....now this turned into something different ksjnsdjkn. but remember that nothing is set in stone yet! i'm just letting the writing take me where it wants to go..
> 
> and sorry this is so short– i just really wanted to update since i haven't in so long:(


	7. Seongwoo is okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or at least, he thinks he'll be.

_A few weeks ago, at a fansign in Ilsan_

_Minhyun looks down to read the question the fan had scribbled on her post it,_

_“Minhyun-oppa! Please dedicate a song to the member on your left~♡♡♡”_

_He glances to his left and sees Seongwoo smiling and intertwining his fingers with a fan as he signs her album. He smiles a little before writing his answer._

_“Atlas: Two by Sleeping At Last!~” ___

_–_

__  


_Tell me, is something wrong?_  
_If something's wrong you can count on me_  
_You know I'll take my heart clean apart_  
_If it helps yours beat_

  


The next day isn’t as cold, and Seongwoo feels much less hopeless than he did the day before. Some small part of him, some part that hasn’t been scorched by Daniel’s light, it’s talking to him. Telling him to go. And so he does. Still early in the day he sits across from Minhyun on a train, headed towards Busan. And he’ll be okay, he thinks.  


__“Can i ask you something?”_ _

__Seongwoo looks over at Minhyun and nods._ _

__“When did you know? That you were you know… gay?” Minhyun fiddles with the hem of his scarf, his eyes dodging Seongwoo’s subconsciously._ _

__“I’m not sure… in highschool i never understood what my friends were so excited about when girls came around. I didn’t understand confessions of love and stuff like that. But there was this guy, in my senior year. We met at an acting thing and became close. He was… my first love, i guess? He didn’t like me back, of course. When i told him about it he freaked out and blocked me everywhere. I haven’t really liked anyone since then, until i met–” Seongwoo broke himself off, eyes widening a little at the realisation of what he was about to say._ _

_It's okay if you can't find the words_  
_Let me take your coat and this weight off of your shoulders  
_

__  
__

__“Until you met Daniel?”_ _

__“Well… yes. And you. I think. To be honest i just always thought you were straight, or if you weren’t you had a thing for Jonghyun…” his voice trailed off as his eyes did the same, looking out the window, the nature passing by in glimpses._ _

__Minhyun laughs, “i did like Jonghyun, for a long time. And a long time ago. But he’s straight, and we talked it out. He was really kind about it. I mean, we have Minki too and he’s...” He chuckles again, “anyways, i guess it’s kind of the same for me. I just didn’t understand it during most of highschool. Didn’t know it was an option. Kept thinking that maybe i just hadn’t met the right girl yet.”_ _

__“Can i ask you something now?” Seongwoo asks, setting his elbows on the small table between their seats, resting his head in his hands._ _

__“Go ahead.”_ _

__“How long have you liked me?”_ _

__Minhyun doesn’t say anything at first. He just looks at him, like he’s taking him in before speaking. Seongwoo sees himself in Minhyun, in some ways. The fear of getting too close. Of ruining something that’s already good, even if just from the outside._ _

__“I don’t know. At first i just thought of you as a friend. Plus it was pretty obvious you liked Daniel, so i didn’t really think about it i guess. That’s why i didn’t tell you i was gay too, that night. Didn’t want to… interfere, i guess. Confuse you. But after awhile… let’s just say, you’re easy to fall for, Seongwoo. And you make it hard not to,” Minhyun says as he smiles softly._ _

__“Didn’t it hurt? Me coming to you to talk about Daniel all the time?”_ _

__“It did. But seeing you hurting because of him, from having no one to go to… it was worse. So i thought, if i can’t be him, at least i can be someone you trust. Someone you can lean on. And that was good enough for me. Still is. I don’t need you to like me back, Seongwoo. I’ll be satisfied just being your friend. So try to put yourself first, okay? I don’t want to come between you and Daniel. That’s why i never said anything. I just want you to be happy.”_ _

_Like a force to be reckoned with_  
_A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss_  
_I will love you with every single thing I have_  


__Seongwoo feels tears prickling in his eyes, but before they can run down his cheeks, Minhyun has a hand on his face, wiping them away with his thumb._ _

__“Why are you crying, you idiot? Are you really that soft?” Minhyun laughs._ _

__And his smile is so big, and Seongwoo doesn’t really understand. How he can say those things, how he can be so self sacrificial, how he can be that way for him. For Seongwoo. Was he really worth all that?_ _

__

__“You’re heart’s so good, Minhyun-ah. I’ll do my best not to hurt it.”_ _

_–_

__  


_Like a tidal wave I'll make a mess_  
_Or calm waters if that serves you best_  
_I will love you without any strings attached_  


__It’s a little colder now and Seongwoo still feels the tightness of last night in his heart, but when Minhyun looks at him he really believes he’ll be okay._ _

__“What do you want to eat?” Minhyun asks, his scarf curled around him covering almost half of his face._ _

__“Uhm… seafood?”_ _

__Minhyun nods, thinking before speaking, “okay. I know a good place not too far from here. Close to the ocean.”_ _

__Seongwoo hums in response and follows the other boy closely, their arms brushing against each other as they walk. He wants to hold Minhyun’s hand. He doesn’t._ _

__Soon they walk into a tiny restaurant, immediately greeted by a smiling older woman, who recognizes Minhyun’s face. She greets him with a big hug and greets Seongwoo the same way. It feels homely. They sit down across from each other and soon the table is filled with food and drinks._ _

__“What do you thinks gonna happen to us all? I mean after wanna one,” Minhyun asks, his voice slurred, cheeks flushed._ _

__“I’m not sure… i’ll probably get into acting, like i initially wanted to. And you’ll go back to nu’est. I don’t know about the rest though…” his words fade out as Minhyun nods thoughtfully._ _

__“You’re gonna be a good actor.”_ _

__“Thanks, Minhyun-ah,” he laughs._ _

__Seongwoo had never really noticed, but Minhyun was really very pretty. In a soft way. Calming, almost. When he looked at him his heart felt at ease. He’d always thought he was pretty, but he was seeing Minyun in a new light now, seeing him with rose tinted glasses._ _

__Later they’re sitting on one of their scarves in the sand, watching the sun fall into the ocean. But Icarus sits safely, with no fear of burning up._ _

__Even later they’re on the train back to Seoul and Seongwoo sits next to Minhyun this time and he rests his head on his shoulder and he knows he’ll be okay. For the first time in months it doesn’t hurt to breathe and he’s not troubled by constant worries. He’s okay._ _

__And he thinks maybe him and Daniel were the right people, just at the wrong time. When he looks at Minhyun and he’s looking back at him with nothing but love and understanding Seongwoo wants nothing more than just that._ _

_–_

__  


__  


_I don't even know where to start_  
_Already tired of trying to recall when it all fell apart_  
_I just want to love you, to love you, to love you well_  
_I just want to learn how, somehow to be loved myself_  


__Outside Daniel’s window the sky is grey. His heart feels heavy, his lungs seeming to be restricted into something smaller than the space between his ribs._ _

__He thinks of Seongwoo. He wasn’t there when Daniel went to sleep, and he wasn’t there when he woke up either. Minhyun was missing too, but he tries not to think about that._ _

__With a hand on his heart, he closes his eyes and sees Seongwoo’s grow cold, he feels the sudden chill as he climbs out of the bed. But it’s all in his head. It’s all in his head._ _

__Daniel was the one who said he wasn’t ready, but now his heart feels so empty and it hurts much more than he thought it would have. But he thinks it would have hurt more to let himself fall in love. To let himself be vulnerable. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. Everything he loved seemed to die, and he couldn’t bear the thought of being the reason Seongwoo turned to dust._ _

__And Daniel wished the older boy hadn’t looked so broken when he told him to stop chasing him, but the thing is he just isn’t ready to be caught. He enjoyed the chase but it all got so real when Seongwoo said those words, when he knew he couldn’t be that for him. He didn’t expect the outcome he got though, but maybe Daniel had been foolish to think Seongwoo would wait around for him. It wasn’t fair to him after all._ _

__But Daniel wanted to be selfish._ _

_–_

__  


__Seongwoo sits outside that night again, but this time it’s someone else who comes to him._ _

__“Hyung?”_ _

__He looks up and sees Daehwi staring at him with red puffy eyes, a somewhat distant look in them._ _

__“Daehwi? Are you okay?”_ _

__The younger boy pouts and sits down next to Seongwoo, who instinctively wraps an arm around him. Daehwi puts his head on his shoulder._ _

__“Not really,” he sighs,”i just… had a bad dream.”_ _

__He doesn’t need to say anything else, Seongwoo knows very well the dreams he has and he understands. He just pats his head gently and continues looking out into the night, waiting for Daehwi to speak first._ _

__“How was Busan?”_ _

__“It was nice. The ocean’s really pretty there.”_ _

__“And Minhyun?”_ _

__Seongwoo looks down at Daehwi who’s still looking at the moon, and he smiles a little to himself. He forgot how perceptive the younger boy could be. And how direct. For the short time they worked together on sandglass, they had quickly grown closer, and Seongwoo had seen how smart of a kid he actually was. Much smarter than he lets on._ _

__“It was good to spend time with him. And just, to be away from the dorms a little. You get a bit cooped up in there, spending time with the same people constantly.”_ _

__“Like Daniel?” he pauses, maybe to see if Seongwoo would interrupt, before he continues, “he’s been really weird today. Tense. Woojin hyung asked if he wanted to play overwatch with him and he just told him to fuck off.”_ _

__Seongwoo doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he doesn’t, and Daehwi seems to understand plenty from his silence._ _

__Daehwi shivers a bit in his arms and the older convinces him to go back inside and try and sleep._ _

__And then Seongwoo thinks. He thinks and thinks and thinks till his head hurts from it and he wonders if Daniel was thinking the same thing._ _

__The right people at the wrong time. How cruel the universe could be. To put them together, when it knew they were meant to fall apart. To place Minhyun there, kind and sweet Minhyun who only wanted the best for Seongwoo._ _

__Minhyun who was only falling in love._ _

__And Seongwoo who had too much love to give._ _

_I will love you without any strings attached_  
_I will love you without a single string attached_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back!! didn't take as long for the update this time, since i thought you all would want some more context for last chapter..sorry about that, but i hope you'll like where this story will go! the next chapter, if all goes as planned(which it rarely does) will be a flashback to Daniel's past... yes, he's getting a tragic backstory, i know! straying further away from canon territory;; but i do have a plan now, that i'll uhm. hopefully stick to. i'm sorry im so bad at keeping my story lines...anyways
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, and find a little comfort(?) in knowing some more of their thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and feed back are always appreciated♡


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